As parents, sometimes we have the feeling that to be a “good parent” we must control and even manipulate our children’s behavior. This can backfire, especially when you are dealing with very young children whose “job” it is to explore and investigate their surroundings.
A two-year-old has no concept of “making a mess”, why what they are doing is making a mess or what is wrong with it. Their inherent instinct to experiment, touch, and learn is strong, and when a parent punishes a child for this natural drive, confusion and anger is the result.
You might be thinking “Well I can’t just allow my child to run amuck!” Of course not, but a little child needs to be re-directed not punished for their natural desire to explore. If a parent just reacts without evaluating the behavior, the first gut reaction may be to punish and thwart the undesired behavior. But there are other simple alternatives:
- Take a deep breath and try not to react too quickly to anything a child does. If you just react and don’t take a moment to evaluate the situation you may miss the underlying cause of the undesired behavior. Finding the underlying cause is very important because once you understand what is behind the behavior you may be able to stop it before it even starts.
- Remember that your job as a parent is to provide your child with the information they need so they don’t make socially unacceptable mistakes. In order to do so, they have to learn through example, not threats and punishments. Our children are intelligent beings who don’t really need to be punished into compliance, specially when they are taught the rules of family life with love and compassion.
- An example of evaluating an upsetting incident with a little child would be a one-year-old who gleefully pours milk on the floor. If you punish a little baby for such an activity by shouting, slapping the baby’s hand or getting upset you will only end up upsetting and scaring your child. Punishments such as this are ineffectual because a one-year-old baby does not have the ability to understand gravity or why pouring milk on the floor is bad. Most of the time babies, toddlers and children are only responding to their natural human instinct to explore and define their world. They are not being “bad” at all.
So what happens when a young child, who is exploring the world, has their natural curiosity punished? They begin to feel that the world is unsafe and as a consequence become less confident and more fearful. When a child is punished but does not understand why there is a loss of connection and trust with their parent. Fear and stress interfere with a child’s ability to think and learn in a healthy manner.
So what can you do?
Clearly understand that by stopping to evaluate a situation, you are not “spoiling” your child. You are teaching them that they are respected and you are solidifying the parent/child bond by giving them the gift of trying to understand what is driving their behavior.
A child’s desire to explore is not done with ill intent towards the parent. When confronted with scolding, threats, yelling or even spankings, the child’s feeling of safety and trust is tear apart. Don’t forget that your child is always seeking your love and approval and the currency for that is attention. This is why sometimes we see a child behave badly to get attention. In this case, for the child, your negative attention is better than no attention at all.
So give your children the attention they need and crave by following these simple steps whenever a child is misbehaving:
- Step back and evaluate the misbehavior.
- React appropriately for a child’s age.
- Give up on punishing your child and instead teach, redirect, and praise. A child will always respond to your approval and love.
Happy parenting!
See you next time!
